Up until this minute I haven’t really shared what actually happened in detail that made to snap into action.
To be honest I didn’t think people would want this detail- but you have been asking me for it and so with the release of my story in Be Free: A Heart Cenetered Guide To Change Your Relationship With Food And Your Body, it feels like the right time.
In this post I shared intimate detail about what it was like living with significantly disordered eating.
For the new people to my blog: I’ve always been pretty crazy about food and my body. When I was younger I’d eat my food really quickly to run away from the ‘shame’ and then subsequent ‘guilt’ of the food and the amount I’d eaten. I remember being told by someone that I had a ‘big apetite’ and that wasn’t ‘lady like’ and so since then my love for eating was something I was often ashamed of.
Even when I started dating I seemed to find men who heightened the vulnerabilities I felt about my body, with one boyfriend telling me I had ‘thunder thighs’. I can distinctly still feel the pain I felt that day being told this. I remember standing in front of the mirror that day and saying ‘I’m not going to eat till I get really thin thighs now’.
My issues lay dormant for a while. Until my career hit an all time low which you can read about here.
But in the height of my food craziness my partner and I relocated to Singapore. And it feels so crazy writing this to you at this time because we are getting ready to move again (to Bangkok in late september!!).
Moving makes me feel all sorts of anxiety and it takes conscious awareness to remind myself that moving doesn’t always need to be this way. Just because my previous move was, doesn’t mean my next move will be like this.
When I moved to Singapore I was removed from the ‘protective’ factors that kept my disordered eating alive. The same cafes, the same smoothies, the typical products. Singapore had hardly any of the variety I was used to and if it did, locating it was expending energy I didn’t have.
My move to South East Asia was the universes way of giving me a bitch slap to move the hell on.
// No more wild caught salmon (and if so it would cost you the earth- not that I don’t think it’s worth it, but with the expense of daily living in Singapore mean’t it wasn’t an option for me anymore).
// No more raw vegan, sugar free, gluten free options at my disposal (in fact healthy options became a mission to find)
// No more biodynamic vegetables at my disposal (and if there were a head of broccoli at over $16 AUD again wasn’t an option for me)
// No more going out for dinner and creating your own menu (I learned pretty quickly in Singapore- the country of rules- that there are no menu changes. What’s written is how it comes)
// And my 4-5 classes a week of boutique pilates was not a financial option either. So there went the exercise addiction.
One heck of a bitch slap.
I can’t begin to tell you how my diet HAD to change because of availability, price and variety. And while it was traumatic- so much so I ended up seeing a therapist, hired health and life coaches and worked with amazing energy healers- knowing that I had no choice but to change, was incredibly daunting.
So one day I told myself I couldn’t do this any longer. I couldn’t handle just how captive food had me. It was time to start living and to do that I need to change my thoughts and behaviours asap.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I REALLY really do. This move to Singapore for me was clearly the start of a journey into self discovery- something I can now hold so much gratitude for.
This move to Singapore was the push I needed to face my reality.
And while I don’t suggest everyone needs something as drastic as a move overseas or a significant life event to give them their wake up call, I want to empower you to SEE the signs that are popping up in your every day life that CHANGE is calling out to you right here- right now.
My signs not only included my body starting to break down (acne + losing my period for 8+ months), but being exposed to a new culture (with new local delights, specialities, vegetables, fruit etc) and availability + price of my favourite foods.
What are yours?
A handful of lessons I learned through my ‘mess’ turned message:
Running around the country for the rare almond milk I loved wasn’t worth the pain and effort. It was time to ditch the rules and rigidities around food. I quickly learned that organic, sugar free activated almond milk wasn’t really worth the trek across the island for triple the price it was at home.
I learned that flogging my body at the gym didn’t feel as good as purposeful movement. Not being able to afford the pilates classes was all part of the universes plan (wink).
Organic vegetables weren’t 100% essential for me to feel good (body and mind). I still felt good after eating non-organic vegetables. They didn’t kill me.
Nothing made me feel more guilty than paying 4 times the price for something from home, when there were other options (just as good). It was time to get local with my shopping.
I hope this has been a helpful post. If you loved it share it around using the social media buttons below. Have you experienced a change that made you or forced you to re-consider your thoughts and behaviours around food? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
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