I’ve been reading a lot lately about how ‘mastering your mean girl’ is the ‘answer’ to feeling ‘good’.
She’s the reason why you keep hitting snooze on your morning gym time alarm. She’s the one telling you that only one piece of chocolate is ‘allowed’. Damn she even determines what you’re allowed to eat and what you better avoid or else!
I recently received an email from a client asking me: “I’m really struggling to find the balance between doing what feels right vs not letting my ‘mean girl’ win. Help!”
There has certainly been a wave of ‘hype’ right now around getting ‘on top’ of your ‘mean girl’ aka ego. This idea that you ‘should’ or ‘ought’ do something because otherwise you’re letting your mean girl ‘win’, in my opinion is not at all productive nor conducive for a life that feels both physically, spiritually and emotionally ‘well’ and ‘good’ (which if you’re new to my work, is the mantra that guides my life).
So first up let me be very clear when I say that life is not about ‘winning’ or ‘losing’. If you have this mentality that you’re trying to ‘beat yourself at your own game’ (i.e. strive to out do yourself at any given opportunity) then it’s no wonder why trying to find “balance” in life is waaaaaay difficult right now.
In all the women I’ve worked with around the globe I have come to fully embody that balance has nothing to do with ‘willpower’ and ‘self control’ and everything to do with ‘self trust’.
I’ll even go as far to say that believing balance is synonymous with ‘self control’ and ‘willpower’ is highly likely the reason why you’re stuck in this bind to begin with.
Trusting yourself to make decisions in life that makes you feel physically, emotionally and spiritually ‘well’ and ‘good’ is not synonymous with ‘willpower’ and ‘self control’.
For many women the desire to ‘master their mean girl’ stems from a desire to be in ‘control’. All of which seems to be perpetuating this idea that you ‘need’ to and ‘must’ follow your ‘mean girl’ because she knows what’s ‘best for you’.
In other words you’re valuing and trusting your ‘mean girl’ so much that you’re giving her all the power to call the shots in your life. You’ve placed her on a pedestal so it’s no wonder why you’re “struggling”, and feeling “guilty”. I would too if my ‘mean girl’ was my moral compass, deciding which actions I ‘am’ and ‘aren’t’ allowed to do.
What if I told you that your ‘mean girl’ is in part just your imagination?
What if I told you that not every thought we have is actually indicative of how we are feeling?
Or that just because you ‘hear’ something doesn’t mean it is true, or ‘sound advice’ that ‘should’ or ‘needs’ to be followed.
The important thing to note here is that you’re an adult and with that you have every right to make your own decisions about what you do with YOUR life (as opposed to being berated and ‘led to water’ by a voice in your head). Some for the best advice I have for you to help you to achieve “balance” is to decipher what is truly worth engaging in thinking about vs what isn’t.
Getting to this point requires you to start developing some serious ‘self trust’. It’s about intellectualising and furthermore embodying that you have every right to make a decision that best serves you in each and every moment. Which might mean that the brownies and chocolate is what you ‘need’ one day and the green salad is what you ‘need’ the next. No biggie.
At the heart of all of this ‘giving the power away to something else’ is the need to ‘fit in’ with the pack. Ditch the need to be ‘cool’, ‘trendy’ or ‘fashionable’ and serve yourself despite how that might make others perceive you (which newsflash, you can’t control how others perceive you anyway, so you might as well just do whatever pleases you). If serving yourself is something that leaves you scratching your head then I urge you to read this post.
Additionally, while you think you may have control over your life through your ‘mean girl’, what you’re ultimately doing is running around a hamster-wheel, which is highly likely going to lead to a dead end at some point in time. Meaning you’ll end up at some stage exhausted and even more out-of-control than you felt to begin with. The sooner you realise that affording control of your life through your mean girl isn’t the answer to finding “balance” nor eternal happiness (which is the reason we as humans basically do anything in life), the sooner “balance” will start to be a real possibility.
Prioritise listening to your voice first and foremost, paying attention to what it is you intuitively feel is going to make you feel ‘well and good’ in that moment, and you’ll start to find the “balance” you desire.
(And don’t worry, over time the mean girl will realise it’s no longer fun not being the first picked on team and will start to stop hanging around- a little like ignoring the annoying ex on text and Facebook messenger).
Something to think about this week….
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